Janie Stolar

Published in McSweeneys 3/3/23

Published in HeyAlma 2/13/23

My hometown operated under the thumb of an all-seeing, all-knowing colossus named Barbara…

Published in the New Yorker 10-5-22

Howdy [NAME]! …

Published in Kveller 8-10-22

According to the Torah, the Lord said, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Check and check minus, I suppose, because I’m raising a beautiful cat and almost successfully propagated a stalk of celery. When it comes to fulfilling the mandate by creating a human child, however, I might not make the grade…

Published in HeyAlma 8/1/22

I lost both of my parents two years apart when I was in my early 20s. The first years of grief were a blur of attempts at survival. I could see the “fun years” passing me by, like I was on a high-speed train to maturity and they were cows grazing in the distance. Meanwhile, my sister and I were plunged into the specifically terrible depths of logistical and bureaucratic hell that come with losing two parents too close together and too young.

Published in Kveller, 7/6/22

Ask a rabbi to name the most important Jewish matriarch of the Torah, and they’ll cite a four-way tie between Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.

Ask a pop culture fan to name the most important Jewish matriarch of reality TV, and with the same level of conviction as that hypothetical rabbi, they’ll say “Jill Zarin.”

Originally published in Reductress 9/6/18

Going after your dream job may feel difficult, but it’s definitely not impossible! All it takes is a bit of focus, hard work, perseverance, and total disregard of the realities of motherhood and raising children in general…

Originally published in Reductress 10/16/18

Like most women, I’ve always struggled with body insecurities. Ever since I can remember, I’ve judged parts of myself and believed they weren’t “good enough.” But recently, I decided enough is enough. I’m done buying into the oppressive standards of beauty created by the patriarchy to keep women from feeling like they deserve good things. As of today, I am officially done feeling jealous of women with nicer butts to poop out of…

Originally published in Reductress 9/5/18

So you’ve got the venue, the ring and the dress all picked out. Maybe you’ve even got the significant other, too. But how are you supposed know for sure you’re ready to get married specifically for the attention?…

Originally published in Reductress, August 2018

Headline originally published in Reductress, April 2018

Originally published in Reductress 7/11/17

Given society’s unattainable beauty standards, there’s nothing more empowering than embracing what makes you…you! That is, until you look up all of your guy’s former flames on social media and realize the traits that makes you you also completely resembles them. When you discover you’re a man’s freakishly specific type, you may question your individuality. But here’s how to embrace your unique beauty, even though you just realized that your guy exclusively dates women who look exactly like you

Originally published in Reductress 5/22/17

If you find yourself pulled in the opposite directions of your illustrious career and a distracting, nebulous, and ultimately upsetting guy situation, take heed. By following a few simple rules, you’ll be able to keep up both a career and that sort of weird thing you’ve got going on...

Originally published in Reductress 5/19/17

When it comes to dating, women frequently feel obligated to change who they are to please a man, and no one is guiltier of that than me...

Headline originally published in Reductress, November 2016

Originally published in Reductress 11/2/16
 

Which characteristics make a great friend? Loyalty, reliability, empathy and, supportiveness in times of need. So when your girlfriend is in trouble, it’s important to be there by her side while also completely sabotaging her diet. Here’s how to show your friend you totally have her while simultaneously sending her diet off the rails with a bag of doughnuts.

Originally published in Reductress 8/12/16

Life as a modern woman is fraught with the perils of decision-making. From love to career, religion to politics, every aspect of our lives feels weighed down by big decisions. And while you should take all the time you need to make life’s biggest decisions, you really need to make them right fucking now.

Originally published in Reductress 8/9/16

Men may come and go, but your girlfriends are forever. So next time you’ve scheduled your entire day around a date and already taken an hour to get ready before he suddenly blows you off, use this opportunity to frantically text all your friends, see who can meet up, and make it a girls’ night that you won’t forget!

Originally published in Reductress 8/3/16

Trapped in the same old date night routine? Maybe that’s because you’re in an unhealthy relationship pattern, and this is just one of many signals that you two either need to reflect or simply call things off. No romantic dates for you! But, for your friends in healthy relationships, we’ve got a few fantastic date night ideas, so pass these along!

Originally published in Reductress 8/2/16

Catcalling: you might find it scary, saddening or just plain annoying, but it’s a universally frustrating experience for all women. So what’s the solution? No one knows and men don’t seem to care. So here are five clever catcall responses that will make you ask, “Is this my job?” and the answer is yes, apparently so?

Originally published in Reductress 2/29/16

We’ve all been there: You’ve finally mustered up the courage to ask your crush on a date, only to be met with that heartbreaking response: “Let’s just be friends.” So what do you do now? Get depressed? Try to win him over? No and no. It’s time to springboard this minor setback into achieving your dreams of becoming the cult icon you always knew you could be. His loss is your aggressive fan base’s gain. Here’s how to spin his romantic rejection into rabid, underground obsession.

Originally published in Reductress 1/20/16

Sure, you graduated top of your class, you’ve been working tirelessly for over a decade, and you’ve proven to your superiors that you’re the most reliable employee in the company. That’s all great, but none of it will earn a man’s respect. Here are a few tips on how to get pretty close to the respect you’d warrant if you were a man by becoming a historically excellent leader.

Originally published in Reductress 1/14/16

Let’s face it: Love takes time, but you’re not getting any younger. So stop waiting around for the universe to send you some soulmate on the universe’s schedule, and follow these steps to guarantee that 2016 will be the year you finally force true love!

Originally published in StarWipe 10/31/15

Next time you’re plugging away on your laptop in public and you need to step away from your computer for a moment, don’t panic. Simply see if you can spot one of these six trustworthy celebrities in the vicinity, as any of them would totally keep an eye on it for you—unlike one celebrity we might name.

Originally published in StarWipe 10/22/15

Grace Jones is receiving heat for punches she throws in her new autobiography, I’ll Never Write My Memoirs, but the controversy goes much deeper than that. The book was my idea. Believe it or not, I’m the one who originally thought of a book about the life of Grace Jones written in first person. Me, StarWipecontributor Janie Stolar. Now, I’m speaking out.

Originally published in StarWipe 10/20/15

Puritan law may have fallen out of fashion by the early 1700s, but the fundamental rules of style are eternal. So when celebs leave the house looking anything less than stellar, it’s time to revert back to the draconian laws of 17th-century New England to punish them properly!

Take a look at these recent fashion choices and decide: Are you absolutely obsessed, or should we revert to Puritan law and shun the garment-wearer from society? You be the theocratic judge!

Published in Reductress 10/5/15

Mattel announced a few key updates to America’s favorite doll Barbie earlier this week, just in time for mold season...