Sure, you graduated top of your class, you’ve been working tirelessly for over a decade, and you’ve proven to your superiors that you’re the most reliable employee in the company. That’s all great, but none of it will earn a man’s respect. Here are a few tips on how to get pretty close to the respect you’d warrant if you were a man by becoming a historically excellent leader.
Be better at your job than anyone else who has ever lived.
Strong leaders lead by example. But, if you have faults, men will call those out as reasons why you can’t lead despite all the great ways you’ve set the office pace. But don’t sweat it! Just be completely perfect and the absolute best, and maybe someday, a guy who works two rungs below you on the corporate ladder will cock his head to the side, put a hand on your shoulder and say, “Hey, you’re pretty good; you know that, right?” like he invented you.
Boost your confidence to that of a male middle manager who can barely type.
Men respond to authority. And by “authority,” we mean “other men, even if they’re not the boss, even if they type with two fingers.” So, strive for the confidence level of a male middle manager who has no real power, yet never seems affected by that and still earns more power and money than his female superiors despite his flagrant misspelling. Show the men in your office that you’re self-assured and have what it takes to lead, but not in a threatening way!
Say everything is women’s fault.
Has this ever happened to you? You’re talking with a male superior and he says that women don’t get promoted as frequently as men “because of other women holding them back.” Awesome! This is your chance to lean in on keeping society’s pecking order in place and earning his near-respect because he knows you’re not one of those scary feminists. Just agree with him. Shit on your entire gender. And enjoy your inevitable raise, which will reflect the fact that he nearly respects you enough to pay you 60% of what a man makes.
Always look desexualized and gorgeous.
When a male CEO wants to be taken seriously, he throws on a well-tailored suit. When a female CEO wants to be taken seriously, she simply finds a look that makes her seem sophisticated and mature, but approachable, beautiful and completely desexualized. And she can never wear the same outfit too frequently or else it becomes her “thing.” So, you know, have fun with it!
Viral videos and beer.
The quickest way to earn a man’s respect? Show him that you’re pretty chill. Send your male subordinates a video of a guy getting kicked in the testicles before you bring in a keg on a casual Friday. Before you know it, you’ve got instant near-respect!
Never have a child.
No matter what! It’ll make you seem vulnerable, distracted, and female.
Now, go (almost) get it!