Let’s face it: Love takes time, but you’re not getting any younger. So stop waiting around for the universe to send you some soulmate on the universe’s schedule, and follow these steps to guarantee that 2016 will be the year you finally force true love!
1. Start From a Place of Fear
Did you start this year with a fresh sense of optimism, eager to embrace the unknown? The unknown is probably loneliness, so get ahead of the inevitable by writing down everything that could go wrong in 2016. Imagine each scenario playing out to its logical end point: you being alone. Terrified? By starting the year with your mind in a renewed panicked state, you’ll be ready to act quickly and irrationally, and you’ll make the strong, fear-based decisions that will lead you to forced love.
2. Download All the Apps (Not Just Dating Ones)
Your friends have been telling you, “Get the apps! Get the apps!” Hinge, Bumble, Tinder… what about Uber? Snapchat? Venmo? Try everything! In 2016, dating is happening online, and if you don’t have every single app, you could be missing out on countless potential chances to meet the man you can strong-arm into being your soulmate. Your hubby might be waiting for you on Chase QuickPay!
3. Take Up New Hobbies You Don’t Like
There’s nothing quite like falling in love through a shared mutual hobby. That said, it’s hard to meet a heterosexual, single man at yoga. So drop your passions and start doing more of the things you hate that might lead to a relationship with a man. Ever tried golf? Crossfit? A men’s rights club? Expand the horizons of your non-interests and you’re sure to meet a person you can force commitment on. Don’t forget to pretend you’re having fun!
4. Toss Out Your Preconceived Personality
To set yourself up to find forced love, make yourself a blank slate he can project his ideal woman onto. The less nuance and “you” he sees in you, the more easily you can manipulate him into thinking you’re the type of woman he would naturally love.
5. Become Attracted to Desperation
Finding true love is about knowing what you want and letting the universe do the work. Forcing love, on the other hand, is about going for gold like you’re training for Rio and you won’t take bronze for an answer. So, desperate men are your best bet. Learn to look for desperation as a quality in your future boyfriend.
6. Lower Your Standards (Again)
Remember when you lowered your standards before? Drop them some more. Seriously, if this is going to be the year love works, you have to commit to settling for a man who meets zero percent of your standards. Now’s not the time to be picky. It’s the time to make love your bitch.
7. ABB: Always Be Bitter
It’s early enough in the year that you probably haven’t been wronged toohard just yet, but it helps to foster a steady current of bitterness to stay focused on the prize. Think back on times you were wronged in the past, and suddenly you’ll find yourself propelling forward, directly into the next available man’s arms. Who is this guy? Doesn’t matter! He’s got arms you can twist until he says, “I love you too.” (Or at least, he probably has arms. Y’all haven’t met yet.)
8. Look for Relationships You Admire and Try to Break Them Up
Take a moment to close your eyes and identify a friend’s relationship that you admire. Think of what you like about them as a couple: how they treat each other, how they talk about each other, how they take care of each other. Now, break them up and date the man. That was easy! If he knows how to make love work with your friend, he can definitely love you, who are also female and alive. Or at least, you’ll make sure he will!
9. Rush Commitment
If you meet the man you want to force love on, immediately drop all other prospects. Now is the time to focus, and the more energy you put into him, the more it will pay off. Everything you’ve ever earned in life, you’ve had to work for it, and you’ve had to focus. Love is no exception. Make this man your everything! Pro tip: Wedding venues book up quickly, so you might as well put down a deposit now, before you force things into heading that way.
10. Fake it ’Til You Make it (or ’Til One of You Dies)
If you’re finally in a relationship and it’s hitting snags, follow this simple advice: Pretend it’s great. You can’t fall back on the fallback plan of being alone right now, especially after you made it this far. Remember the 3 Ds: Don’t talk about your feelings, don’t set expectations, and definitely don’t dump him. This is your life now!
Happy 2016, lovebirds!