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Statement Necklaces that Say Everything but, ‘Mom, Dad, I’m Gay’

Articles

Janie Stolar's Written #Content

Statement Necklaces that Say Everything but, ‘Mom, Dad, I’m Gay’

Janie Stolar

Published In Reductress 3/25/15

Springtime calls for a revitalizing wardrobe update, and nothing instantly brightens up a drab winter closet (without tipping your parents off to your carefully concealed sexuality) than a strand of signature beads! Read on for four must-try necklace varieties:

1. Rhinestone “I Only Experimented In” Collage Necklace

Whether attending a family function fraught with the lingering tension of words unsaid or taking your look from desk-to-date-night (with a woman), this sparkler kicks up any outfit without saying, “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.” Even as they’re meeting Matilda, your partner of five years. You girls sure are close!

2. Gold “I Feel Like I’m Shackled By Invisible” Chains

Sometimes more is more. Don’t be afraid to layer multiple strands, enough to weigh your neck down so your head tilts forward and you have no choice but to avoid eye contact with your parents when they ask how life is now that you’ve moved in with Matilda.

3. “Please Ignore My Sexuality and Instead Focus on this Problematic” Tribal Neckpiece

Truly a statement piece, an ethnic necklace will steer the conversation toward the politics of appropriating culture-specific motifs for fashion while stripping out all history and meaning, and steer the conversation away from your upcoming marriage to Matilda. “We got your wedding invite, honey. Can we help foot the bill for your honeymoon?” No thank you, you’ll say. Forever 21’s website describes this necklace as “tribal.” Problematic, much? Yeah, let’s talk about that instead.

4. “Don’t Clutch Your” Pearls

A classic add-on to any form of attire, a string of pearls will glam up a look and take focus no matter the occasion, for example, a work function, a birthday party, meeting your parents for coffee after a PFLAG meeting or marshaling the gay pride parade with Matilda as your parents cheer you on from the float one behind. They will never get you to talk. Ever.

So go forth, be glam and dazzle this spring. Being avoidant never looked so gay, mom and dad good!